Out of This World Mind & Body

It’s hard to not let an emotion or an event ruin the day, or that time in the day. It’s hard for me to grabble emotions in general. So when a sudden fear comes up, it will take a moment to actually understand the fear. I then hate that I had a fear. I hate that I let the fear get to me and I feel I ruined the moment. These are all strong words. Ruin, fear, failure.

I always feel I fail myself and that’s when the cycle of self hate comes in. I don’t want to cry in front of others because when I cried in my past to people I thought could be there for me, comfort me, I was either told toughen up or somehow my emotions were too much and not that important. So in moments were it’s okay to cry and be vulnerable, I immediately think of it as wrong. I don’t like that I think that way, I don’t like that I let a fear of being vulnerable stop me from just being happy.

The things I have learned in therapy and also through good people in my life, aka my partner is to know that I can’t let my emotions ruin my day or ruin the moment. Sure it’s uncomfortable to feel fear, but it’s not a permanent status. It’s also good to let out what I am feeling. It may take me some time to actually get out the words out and express them, but I get there. I eventually get there.

I don’t know if this is still me hating on myself or just not wanting to show weakness, but I still think of it as question to myself. Which leads to negative self talk. Not as harsh as I was in the past but it’s still the question of why did you let that happen? Why have the fear and be scared? Why overthink?

Telling myself it’s okay even if there is a different emotion is a challenge. Telling myself that I can show weakness can be very challenging, I want to be better with that.